FOOD! FOOD ? FOOD from childhood that F word has always been my go to.Food has always been the calm AND  the storm.It never failed me and was always there when I needed it.I stuffed it in my bedroom drawers,used all my money to buy it,of course ate it when I was happy,sad,angry,rejected and bored.Wait a minute here,I remember times  when I’d be so busy but always managed to stuff something in my mouth even while passing the vacuum.Many years ago I could eat a meal and then go through the drive thru….OH PLEASE! Don’t tell me many of you out there  haven’t done this? Then I’d top it off with some donuts or chocolate bars.Always trying to fill that void the empty hole in my gut which caused my heart to ache..Now that I’m all grown up apparently,the problem  remains but has taken a few turns.This has been my survival,it helped me get through all those lost times of feeling unimportant,unloved and unwanted….now I am loved and wanted but the pattern remains!

How to stop it is the question.How do we stop this vicious circle? Yes many struggle with their weight I know after I have made a few days of wrong choices I see the changes in the  mirror and therefore feel the whole world does also and I even think that I know what they are saying even if possibly not about me at all.I feel like I’m on display and everyone has some grumbling to do about it.

I recently decided that I would return to Weight Watchers the absolute wisest  and most healthy life style any person could live by.However that little devil peeks out once in awhile and says WHY? WHY ME? Why can’t I just eat what I want when I want ? Especially when I’m taking out my app to browse restaurants to see how many points are in the meals I want! Well the intelligent me reminds myself that it is all about planning and making room for what we want to eat.Having a plan ahead of time saves us and this way we stay on track.I know this I promise I do and then one day you decide to just have whatever and throw caution to the wind but even while doing so the guilt sits there like unwanted numbers on the scale.

This is the question I ask ? Will it ever be calm? Yes when the weight is coming off I feel great and the world is a brighter place and everything just rolls better, looks better, fits better.

Why is it such a task? Then you have  those slender people who just piss the hell out of you saying they just can’t lose those 3,4 maybe 5 pounds! OKAY SO LIVE WITH IT! Wait a minute maybe you prefer to have 50 more to lose?

Then when my mind calms down I try and understand them afterall we all have our own goals.( but I’m still mumbling under my breath)

I would like to share a few stories with you prior to marching through those doors again to be weighed  guided and supported.By the way never say never…..I swore I’d never return.Just because the last times didn’t work doesn’t mean it won’t work this time.I remind myself of the three times I tried to quit smoking and the fourth time succeeded and I’ve been smoke free for over 26 years.

Before Christmas I decided to not eat any sweets until New Years Day .Weird? Maybe,but that’s what I thought would make sense.It would limit the weight gain over these very tasty treaty holidays.Until I was shopping at the mall in a store that you would never imagine sold any food or anything  decadent that would tempt your taste buds to do the chachacha .Well as I was shopping away for a few gifts out of the wee corner of my eye I spotted the most delicious looking chunky chocolate bar I had ever seen.It was $10 or more I can’t remember because I was so excited.Guess what? It was filled with thick velvety peanut butter.I am telling you the girl at the cash I have no doubt had her finger one second away from calling security.I picked up the bar that was seducing me and began to smell it and shocked by the heaviness of it reminded myself that I wasn’t eating sweets! So,I carried on with my shopping but found myself back at the darn display with all those scrumptious bars…. again picking it up and then putting it back.Wait a minute hold on here I’ll buy it and hide it until New Years Day!! Ding dong….in the meantime the lovely girl just kept on smirking at me probably thinking I was out on a day pass. For a minute I thought she was going to tell me and my chocolate bar to get a room.So I finally caved and bought it and tucked it away to discover I had a mini sugar shack happening in my back closet .Yikes….how could I eat all of this on New  Years Day? So I decided to start nibbling by the beginning of December….and by after the holidays had gained 6-8 pounds but it felt like 20! Imagine and this was with daily exercise.One thing that I have taught myself is that because my food is off it doesn’t mean I should stop exercising …so small miracles do happen.When the  second bar managed to find my house but this time was filled with coconut and you could only imagine the excitement I felt right? It found its way to my bedroom drawer! It was even better than the peanut butter one…ya know,like a thousand macaroons dancing in your mouth and swimming in chocolate…That’s when I froze and standing in front of my drawer as if gallons of ice-cream were crushing me did I discovered the pattern from my childhood! Hiding,hoping no one would know….what was going on? My man loved me unconditionally so why? This is the question…..here we go again.

I was out for dinner with some friends let’s call them my slender friends.One was off carbs for a month to feel great on her vacation,the other two just always make the better choices but still want to lose weight and I didn’t want to be rude and check  behind their ears to see if one was hiding their weight  there as they were all slim and looking great.Yes,they love to eat but I doubt any of them use food as there therapist! So time to order…I really wanted a pizza or pasta but knew this was too heavy or did I? Afterall I was headed for the slaughter  house and I should eat anything and everything now! Wow,do you see how my head is so busy? I asked for some bread and my carb free friend had some and I felt like saying ” hey put that hot baguette down now” lol but realized this wasn’t my place and also noticed she ate half or one and then her meal was fish and grilled veggies like the other two.What did I finally order? A stupid chicken dish with linguini on the side instead of veggies.I felt so guilty and ate it feeling like a monster while my friend across the table said to me ” ya the pasta was over the top let me help you with that” I know it was a few words that she had no idea would bother me but afterall I did make the statement saying that I should have ordered veggies.After a gathering as such the thought entered my mind to go and buy something  and stuff it in my mouth but I didn’t because I have somewhat graduated.Imagine that! It’s usually a feeling of being different or rejected from  the real world.It’s weird….perhaps a comfort as to why one feels like this?

Well it lies deep as it does for so many of us.I’ve watched my friends go up and down losing and regaining dozens and hundreds of pounds.Trying every diet out there as I had done in the past as well.I so wished I could twitch my nose and make it all better but it is what it is.

Speaking of friends I have a variety from xs to xl.Why? This is who I am….I love to eat and not care and I thrive to be healthy and at a healthy weight.So very interesting ! When out with the healthy & active friends there is no question we are all eating well and have probably had a good power walk before meeting……when I’m with the others they question why I’m not having the bread or dessert rolling there eyes at times.They don’t watch at all and aren’t active and then there’s some in the  middle.I adore them all and feel strongly that I am a part of each and everyone of them.

DO NOT EVER STOP TRYING  words I’ve learned from my therapist.She doesn’t have any magic recipe either.

Finally when out with a  faithful friend she asked why I wasn’t  blogging and the reason was because I’m so upside down and all over the place and she responded with “EXACTLY why you should write it’s okay and it’s real.

Thank you my friend for inspiring me !

 

 

 

 

I’m never at a loss whether it be conversation wise or writing wise! However I was having difficulty in deciding what I wanted to share and which path to persue. So here I am in the meantime.

I am deeply touched by the amount of messages I have received asking me where I’ve been? Thank you .

So much to say about that four letter word and more…FOOD has been my best buddy and my worst enemy at the same time.

I am down 21 pounds since the new year but please trust that I talk to myself all the time.Two days ago I was driving to work giving myself a full blown speech out loud in my car. I giggled before and afterwards thinking how grateful I was that people will think I am on my blue tooth or singing. The tears….well let them think what they want.

Yes the tears and I know many of you will absolutely understand and others will wonder why the tears????

I’ll try to find the words to express the food demon inside of me since forever.I want nothing more then to see the reflection in my mirror without the bulges,creases,blubber squeezing out from my bras and waist line and of course feeling like a pile of crappy crap.Somehow this reflection also tells me that my hair looks terrible and my make up sucks and so on.

Your mood changes with every extra pound lost and gained.You’re  feeling like an emotional time bomb.I know that I’m not alone and sharing this  helps me be real and hopefully helps others know that they, you are NOT alone.

Since January something has changed for me for the better of course. In the Fall I was honestly debating throwing  it all to hell.I was done! After all maybe it was time to give it up surrender to this battle that I do live and breath. Like come on what could I possibly do now?As I share this the tears stream down my flushed cheeks…yes it’s emotional very,very emotional.My crazy mind makes up stories in my head wondering what people say ,what they think…..every time I gain or lose those same old numbers over and over and over again.

A co worker had a huge heart to heart with me and his words touched me more than he knows.He’s an amazing soul who has been a close friend for years now. We’ve always had the most intimate and  raw discussions and have had many a laugh! Our last good chat was about my weight and he told me many things but the one thing that struck a chord was saying he knew how much it bothers me but that out mutual acquaintances have never said a word and care for me no different wherever my weight may be and if anything regard me as someone who just never stops trying. This conversation with his chosen words and animation throughout  brought tears and a huge lump to my throat.

So back to the end of 2016 I was ready to just give up..had no clue which plan,diet or desperate act was next up on my list.I even joined a very well known weight loss group and thought I solved all my problems by deciding to do it on line instead of attending those meetings where everyone applauds like crazy at each persons weight loss! NO THANK YOU and what if  you had a great week and your scale went up or you stayed the same?Oh next week,you’ll see! I’ll see what? What will I see? I know what I’ll see!!! I’ll see a plate of nachos suffocated in a blend of fatty cheeses and fries and chocolate bars …that’s what I’ll see! How many nights after a weigh in did we all go and pig out….come on you hear me don’t you?

Okay so I ranted sorry….just gets my blood boiling.Now please don’t get me wrong this plan is great for many but many are not meant for this plan as well.We are all very different.

So,it’s all about mind set.This would require a whole new blog of  it’s own.Two years ago I read about this Thirty Day Healthy Living and Beyond! I thought ” nonsense” I was angry actually thinking how could someone eliminate all of those things at the same time…..Truthfully I’d rather die!

Well,feeling desperate and at the end of my witt I decided to really listen up and stop being so negative.I will share what changed for me.Most importantly I would not be alone in doing my 30 days. The support was easily accessible and private to only those committed to this and it was 24 hours a day,every day.We all shared our feelings both positive and negative as well as food recipes and amazing ideas!!!We lifted each other and rooted each other on…all through a private Facebook page. We doubt our strengths most often .A little side bar was watching a very dear friend a few years back go through a very serious and most scary and challenging surgery and afterwards feeding himself through a feeding tube as he sat day after day being such a strong and admirable soul.His journey has touched me more than he or his girlfriend even know.I cried myself to sleep many nights praying for his health,courage and strength.Which brings me to mind set and we could do anything we set our minds to doing.

So I did my thirty days and yes here I am.It changed me for many reasons.I finally don’t feel like I’m on a diet.I am simply making better wiser and healthier choices! As I am in my fifties and health issues are a huge concern as when I was younger it was mostly about just looking better! My blood tests have come back clean after adopting my new habits for almost three months now. That’s cause for celebration wouldn’t you say?

Down 15 after my 30 days and now a total of 21-23 depending ….I am learning about choices and what certain ones do to our systems,our moods and our health.Took cravings away which I never believed possible.I have my treats but I give myself permission and plan them so I don’t beat up on myself…we must live balanced after all.Don’t deprive ..plan it out…be gentle with yourself.Love yourself and stay positive and know that you are number one! 

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Have you ever wanted to hold on to a time that you enjoyed so much and thought of how perfect it was wishing it would stay and as much as you were enjoying it you knew that it was brief so it made you sad? Living in the moment is such a gift and I realized more than ever how true this was when our new aquaintance turned to me and said “this moment will never come again” …..I heard her loud and clear but asked her to repeat what she had just said to me…..she did and my heart skipped a beat and my skin crawled with emotion along  with my eyes filling with tears….finally someone who actually said these words out loud….this is how I feel so very often.We may never meet again and on the other hand time will only allow us to find out……but what is so wonderful is the time we spent together….four wonderful folks who shared their very personal stories with us in such a short amount of time because we simply jived.Drag….a drag I thought wishing we had some more time together….such a gift to meet complete strangers that you feel so comfortable with.Now back to that topic as she said “this moment  will never come again”….we were sharing personal stories that strangers typically wouldn’t share a mix of both serious and very funny.I glanced over to capture yet another little memory to store away of the men chatting away as if they had known each other for years  and they all seemed to be so enjoying their conversation….those memories  have been stamped in my mind…never to be forgotten.The wind was gentle,the air was warm and the scent of the Caribbean Sea was floating through the air with the music playing gently in the middle of the outdoor lobby.Nothing else mattered at the moment….enjoy each precious moment and just being present.Appreciate every meeting no matter what the occasion….embrace the moment as it will never return again.Live each day the best you can! It will never show itself again.

 

With my mouth hanging open…I was startled to see that my cottage cheese like thighs had ….well….kind of had little babies?

I never had stunning legs but this was ridiculous! My first thought was I stopped the gym and this is my punishment! F bomb……many times over trust me.F….F…F….Okay,breathe….let’s remember that I am not my legs I am me, Cathy! This is just my next journey into working on me but this time a little differently.I will try to explain the best that I can.I am working hard to not be so taken and preoccupied with my body.When spending every minute reminding myself about all the things I don’t like about me I am simply not living.Anyone out there hearing me? We all must work on ourselves for numerous reasons but we must live in the process.The more I dwell the worse it gets.So having faith that all will work out and being  gentle on myself is an absolute must.I’ll do my best here..I’m not sure what to call it but I am ready for change.After being a certain way forever and keeping myself spinning so I had no time to think….to think of all the hurt I felt and the mistakes I have made….so of course you keep yourself so busy so having no down time / quiet time is perfect….so you think.Now is a new chapter….I still haven’t finished my sharing but not to worry  I will as there is still so much to say.For now I am working mostly on pain management( tears,muscle pain,fibro) and resting my mind….meditation etc…once this becomes easier all will fall into place I have no doubt.Also having a life partner makes life more gentle loving peaceful secure and all around happy.Not just any partner…only the perfect one for me.A man that I love and adore and a man that loves me so unconditionally and thinks I am so beautiful he actually puts a smile on my face when I’m not in a smiling kind of mood….his compliments seem so real and sincere and he loves ME…wow….just the way I am.This puts another curve on my life….helping me love myself and realizing I am more than my body.Wow….exhausting it is at times but the whole point  of this sharing is to remind everyone to look deep inside and focus on all the positive in ourselves and to be gentle and to say only  positive things to ourselves every single day…that’s  right stare into  that mirror and say ” I love you” I am number one and I am beautiful” some may say they already do this others may say ” that’s crazy” but believe me it works.Even if you  don’t believe this when saying this the message actually gets right inside and will work in time….promise.

Example,yesterday I took a little extra time getting ready and made sure to tell myself as well that I liked how I looked…I did not focus on the clothes that shrunk in my closet but instead got dressed and practiced only positive affirmations…actually I was going somewhere that I hadn’t been in a few months so of course my warped distorted head told me this ” they will notice I’ve gained weight for sure and think badly of me” so I made sure my frame of mind was positive and thought of all very positive happy things…..off I went driving just me and my great energy….arrived at my destination and was greeted with huge hugs and smiles and compliments from two  of the guys in service loving my hair…etc….my spirit was high and I was in a positive mind frame.My energies were great and that is how it works….then my silliness came out and as I sat down a conversation started up with the man next to me….I kept reminding myself not to dwell on the not so happy feeling of weight gain…etc..after a little chunk of time had passed ..as I was trying to get the attention of the service man  I decided instead of moving all the papers from my lap etc that I would call him to ask the wait time that remained….the man sitting next to me of course was entertained and everyone was laughing…..all to say when we don’t dwell on the negative it feels oh so gooooooooood! Have a good day everyone…i’ll be back soon.Be good to yourselves.

We’re going strong.. our minds are clearer……the  bulges aren’t so bulgy….we’re not so easily annoyed…we have control…we’re making wise choices..we’re feeling on top of the world …everything fits……and then CRASH BANG BOOM! It all falls apart and we say it’s okay tomorrow is a new day! I’ve had many new days…if only those new days were controled days I wouldn’t  still be spinning.Hoping that something will click…..and treats will be treats and not an every day or every week event.Hmmmmmm………like a washing machine on a spin cycle…….it’s exhausting…really it’s just exhausting.I remember years ago my cousin saying we should go live on an island where everyone is obese…( it exists) .I actually think of this very often.However we wouldn’t feel very good……maybe we would be accepted but really who feels good carrying extra weight? I don’t that’s for sure.Along with the  washing machine you are imagining spinning right now….well my head follows the exact same pattern.When will it all stop? When will I not reach for the bread and butter that I promised not to eat that evening…..or at least have a piece and not five or six…..YA I said five or six you heard me…….or resisting the goodies offered at staff  meetings…the scone that I have just spent an hour looking at wondering if I’ll cave……why at one point did all this not matter and now it’s become such a fight again……could someone tell me why? There was a time not so long ago that food was no longer on the top ten challenges or worries in my life….it was easy….what was different then? I remember thinking how simple it was and it WAS…….and then back to the drawing board…..please tell me why? I sat back the other day and thought of a group of friends I once went to meetings with.All fighting the fight together….feeling brave..strong….giving it our all.Sadly years later after all of us had shed hundreds of pounds and gained them back more times than I’d care to share I could safely say none of us have kept it off or for that matter are at our healthy weight….we’re all still testing different weight loss ideas out…..makes me sad actually.I could honestly say that if you don’t have a weight problem you will never,ever,ever know the pain that riddles through so many of us…..the strong  fight we fight…..like a man will never know what it is to give birth to a baby……words cannot express how many of us feel on a daily bases….I share this again so that whom ever is reading this knows that they are not alone….we must keep on trying and never give up on the idea that it will one day happen.Our day will come,that switch will come back on and it will all make sense again……don’t give up and remember we are more than our weight! 

Ya know when you just want a taste of something..a little bite of I don’t know what…….nope, nothing sweet….something crunchy…nah..salty…..a hot beverage maybe…no.Arghhhhhh,so I put it all aside and carried on.I  went on my merry way and did my errands until I came face to face with this huge pretzel.A lady was holding it in her hands and she looked over the moon excited to get her teeth into it.That’s it! I want a pretzel….new to our mall.You do understand that at a much earlier time in my life I once drove to Platsburgh for these.I’m no ordinary girl you do understand.Ha…..So, off I went to the  counter to order…..yikes.Now what will I have….there’s all kinds to choose from.I decided I’d have the same one as I drooled over earlier.Then there were the little cups filled with Nutella,caramel…..another decision to make.Easy,I’ll take the caramel please! Oh boy,a pretzel and caramel sauce……now the question was when,where? Why? I knew why….I was exhausted and feeling emotional and out of my routine…… My taste buds were overjoyed at the thought of scoffing this up…they were dancing in my mouth…I spent too many hours that evening wondering when and where I would attack. I didn’t want to ruin my dinner and feel so guilty eating such a huge snack ….so the decision was made! However I did entertain the thought of sharing it after dinner but we ate dinner so late that night it just didn’t make sense (hee hee) .So my pretzel spent the night in the car and found its way into the toaster and then leaping  into the caramel sauce…..my reasoning was that it was really not fattening  as it was my breakfast.( right) My advice to any of you craving this now is to share it unless of course you don’t want to! Really enough for four but two if you’re feeling greedy and  one if your a true foody and simply just want to pig out! Laughter…….I shared this story in the staff room and even my tiny little friend said she caved when she noticed the famous pretzel place and scoffed hers all in the car! It turned out to be her dinner…many years back I would  have eaten this and dinner too but I guess this aging thing has put a stop to this……She said she just couldn’t stop eating it.So I have no doubt that many of you will be running for a pretzel soon enough and then there’s those that think I’m absolutely crazy……but this is who I am and I truly hope that you enjoy my crazy sharing.Most important is for those that get stuck in the food insanity wheel…..please don’t feel like you are alone because you most definitely  are not.See you  at the pretzel stop……Mr Pretzels….Fairview Ponte Claire Mall….( enter near the Pharmaprix) lol….

Please feel free to comment……it’s alway fun to hear others stories! Thank you to the many that email,message and or subscribe! 

It’s  been too long since my last blog,for this I apologize.It’s all about making the time…setting our goals.I guess when the list is long and the days,weeks and months fly by we must sit down and get our priorities in line and make sure to get things done to make ourselves feel fulfilled and content.As many of us are leading very busy hectic lives it is so important to accomplish what matters the most in order for us to do well and achieve our goals.What has helped me get through the past weeks is to plan  my food every day.Having direction,having a plan helps my mind not wander and helps prevent making wrong choices.Also when a thought of a little binge comes to mind I wash it away very quickly and replace it with something much more healthy and rewarding.In the past I have actually spent a lot of time and energy on a crazy little pig out plan …….maybe I’ll have this or that afterwards….I have found it’s mostly after a difficult situation or uncomfortable event that has left my emotions desperately needing comfort or company…..I’m getting past this….and the writing does help me very much so.As does forgiveness.For example,this weekend was more of a challenge.I made my choices ahead of time and had my plan.So the plan was successful two out of three days.I am  grateful and celebrate this rather than beat myself up for the day it didn’t work as planned.Why? Well in the past I would  feel like I screwed up and failed myself so why bother? Well, today after changing my plan yesterday and it honestly wasn’t so bad but the scale gently reminded me to get right back on track.So today I feel good, I feel strong and realize that every journey and every path has its bumps.As a therapist once shared with me I will share with you…..So you’re planning a road trip let’s say to Florida.You take the wrong turn and it costs you some time and stress….oh well .Do you turn back and go home or do you get on that right road and continue your journey? The answer is clear..we are human and getting right back on track is what leads us to our destination.This applies to any addiction or plan…..As I know personally, many are fighting with food,alcohol ,shopping addictions and more.Be gentle with yourself and you may be in for a little surprise.

 

A very emotional week has passed and as if struck by lightening I was totally aware of the moment it happened and my reaction.I received a phone call that triggered many emotions inside of me.I had actually just pulled up at a gas station .As I sat in the car and the conversation ended I had already decided that a chocolate bar was in order! Yap,I would  pay inside and buy the yummiest of bars…..and nibble at it on the way to seeing my client.The little voice was there no doubt asking me so many questions.Really, buy  a bar here? Probably not so fresh,a tad stale even……wait until you really want something better and you could enjoy it.Cathy,you said you wouldn’t eat this crap anymore..you will not even enjoy it.You will stuff  it in your mouth and hope that it doesn’t go all over the car and wipe your face silly because you don’t want to show up with smears of chocolate everywhere….it’s just ridiculous.Are you hungry? Exhausting …yes,very exhausting.Did I buy it? Take a guess ..go on.As I hopped out of the car a friend pulled up beside me and talked my ear off,a very pleasant surprise mind you.As I pumped the fuel we yapped away…..While I pondered what bar I would  buy.All done…time to pay and make that big decision ….ya’ think? He walked right in with me and continued to talk up a mean streak……he saved my day! This bar could have been the open invitation to so many other treats to follow that day…I never know if it will end there or continue. We had had many discussions about nutrition etc in the past and knowing him he would have asked why I wanted it..so I spared  myself the lecture and as I share this story with you the tears stream down my cheeks..because I don’t know why???? When all I want is to be normal.I have faith that the time will once again be here.I pray and have faith and continue my journey.I share this as it is a part of my story,my life, my battle and it all makes me who I am.So many people share their food stories with me and as they read my blog they cry and nod their heads because they so get it and others shake their heads not understanding it one bit……hopefully this will help people to not judge those that don’t have the perfect shape or body as we are way more than what you will ever see.

If one could only find the answers as to why food holds such importance ?  Especially when we want nothing but this! Checking back in to the present ( 2016) and still fighting the fight.As I’m driving down the highway to yet another hopeful appointment to help save me,make sense of my eating habits and secretly looking for that magic wand to be waved in front of me and for this all to be done with.The forever  wishing to find that special plan that works and I could stay on..maybe for that switch to turn back on.The switch that allows food to just simply do what it must and not take priority over everything.Well I arrive to my appointment early as the traffic in the city was light being Spring Break.Great! I now have an hour to fill.I actually sat in my car and wondered what normal people would do? The only thoughts I had were of food dancing in my head.Why? Okay so I was told there was a Starbucks near by and to my surprise I parked in front of a store with the bold letters screaming “BAGELS” on it…..now what do I do? I reminded myself that I had had breakfast and that I was not at all hungry.Not hungry for food anyways but what was I really hungry for? Hmmmmmmmmm…..As if out of my body and no longer in charge of my footsteps I waltzed into the shop and had an affair in my mind with the bagels and toppings they offered,the over stuffed sandwiches wrapped up so tightly and the numerous different treats throughout the store….I reminded myself that I was not hungry but some where within I felt that need to eat or buy and stock up before seeing the magic wand lady! So really not wanting to and smarter to know the difference I found myself asking the girl if the oatmeal Nutella cookies were good? Like really? Was I hoping that she would tell me that they were disgusting and that my tongue would fall off if I ate them. A huge smile appeared on her face and she said they are delicious and they were just made.I said “perfect I’ll have four please”.Did I just order these I asked myself? Exactly when will you eat these Cathy ? ….I sat down and bit into the first one actually reminding myself that I knew not a soul in this place so that was a relief.Wow…..like really and who cares? I do apparently.I wiped my lips and off I went to Starbucks…and by the way the cookie was nothing spectacular….why are there no other shops open other than these foodie places where I could just browse to pass the hour……the hour that felt like a week.So yes I walk into Starbucks and order a hot drink….I’ll  spare the details.You will never  believe this…a cherry square starts to wink at me…..oh no…it is bulging with Cherries  my fave by the way and being hugged with oats loads of oats.Help!!!! I settle my drink and then proceed to ask the girl about the cherry square.With a huge smile I could tell she loves them…she carried on as I would describing it like it was truly the end of the world.I smiled and said thank you maybe later then.Yes,time for my appointment……thank you Lord! After cleansing my soul and sharing it all I also shared the story of my four cookies and desperately looked into her eyes and asked ” what will I do with the other three cookies now”? Like will I throw them out? She nodded and said yes you will.I slowly walked down the stairs and thought but I don’t want to throw them out…..but I don’t even want to eat them….how exhausting is this?   My mind is tired….I arrive at my car and open the door reaching for the bag,my little comfort bag, my company on the way home……and toss them.Smiling,I get into my car and drive off feeling so very proud of myself.I share this for one reason only,yes very personal it is but I’m sharing because I know there are so many people out there feeling the same way as I do.You are NOT alone! I shared this crazy  story with a friend and she sat in front of me with tears in her eyes as she knows the pain so well. She nodded her head and her watery eyes said it all…..she even knew the shop I spoke of.She herself on her own journey and having lost over eighty pounds recently knows all too well.She shared her plan with me and I was frightened for her as she went on saying now she cannot eat bread,sugar or drink alcohol.I feel this is temporary as one cannot live as such.I did this too and lost and regained….but who’s to know maybe her journey will be different.I pray for peace of mind and the strength to never stop trying.Stay tuned as we will travel back to the 70’s soon enough.

 

It  hurts my head to go back and open all the files in my mind….it’s so unclear.The one thing I do know is that the marriage was hush hush and took place  a month after my mom passed away.Finally she was the  woman in the negligee that my dad had called the cleaning woman( passed blog) I was shipped to my uncles home ( the “C “of C & M ) and my sister was at my moms best friends who became like family of course.We were separated and this should never have happened,ever.The reason I have no doubt for the pain that was to come and the emotional fight we’ve alway struggled with.I know that at the young age of eight my little sister fell silent for a good years time.Her little precious face and little tiny body went quiet….she spoke not a word for about a year.Where was I ? Why were we not together….who could have made better decisions for my father who was not present or honestly fit to do this.I often wonder how the adults allowed for this.My sister and I should have been close….so close.Thats one huge hole in my heart which open the flood gates all to often.When surrounded by love,support and family we could get though so very much.The comfort of having a family that you could go to in itself is healing.We were torn apart and the family I so adored, cherished, loved and idolized came to be but another tremendous disappointment.Love is a strong word as is hate….I could very safely say that the love wasn’t real and that I will never hate as a result of this….but my heart is scarred and the outcome isn’t easy to deal with.It does create one highly sensitive human being.Everyone has dreams.I have always wanted a family,a real family….a family that I could truly say is mine.You could pick up the phone and say whatever you need to say.Ring the doorbell and walk right on in.No matter what your differences you still come together for special occasions and holidays.Some thing that just never was in my life …once again food was my comfort.